This week I make the final payment on my auto loan , and oh what a joyous day. Never in my life have a I had a worse experience with any company as I have had with Valley National Bank. I have had you call me with threats and harassment for payments I made that you have lost, and when I have sent proof in the form of electronic receipt of payment directly from my bank account I was told it was not good enough. I have had several horrible interactions with Lisa, a totally unprofessional, rude and surely human being, who made several threats to harm my credit despite the fact I have never even been late once in the five-year duration of this auto loan. It was only after the assistant branch manager of my local Chase (a far superior bank that treats its customers with respect and professionalism) stepped in and called Lisa to explain not only were all my payments successfully sent but they were deposited by Valley. Lisa “Crusher of Souls” would promise not to harm my credit over 2 missed payments that were received. Keep in mind that miss sunshine and daises would still not admit that I paid, just that she would look into it with accounting.
Additionally, I received another disrespectful phone call from Lisa not too long after this incident due to a type-o in my regular electronic payment where I paid $0.35 short. It also took one full year to receive a coupon book after repeated requests. For these reasons and more, I will NEVER do business with Valley National Bank again; if I need another car loan I would rather purchase a skate board to get to work, I would sooner hire a homeless man to carry me in a back pack like “master blaster” to work, I would sooner sell my family’s last cow for magic beans out of which a mighty beanstalk would grow so I can climb it to get to work, I would rather discover the mystic secrets of male Kegel exercise to condition my sphincter to such a state as merely flexing it will propel me through the air with such velocity that I could get to work. I will make a point to prevent any of my friends, family, loved ones, and any casual stranger I may encounter while standing at a urinal at a sporting event to avoid Valley National Bank as if it were a croissant covered in hepatitis. In fact, while typing this I spotted a dog outside my window so I took a break to yell to him “hey dog, do not do business with Valley National Bank!!!”
do not darken my door step with any solicitation which companies are known to send after someone has fully and may I add perfectly fulfilled their loan obligation. I am not interested in ever doing business with you again. If tomorrow, Valley National Bank cornered the market on oxygen I will straight up “Violet Beauregard” all over myself.
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